Although every Christian is mandated to spread the word of Jesus,
as well as to be a Light unto the world and convert many strange
cultures and peoples who are fettered by Sin, means that it is also
our solemn Christian Duty to apprise everyone in the globe of The
Return.
That is to say: The Return of Jesus and The impending
Rapture.
Although I am blessed with The Gift of Prophesying even I -
Yahweh's Handmaiden, nor Jesus or Pat Robertson know when our Lord
will Return in Glory - standing in the center of the world as a
Giant amongst Gnats for all the world to see. Thus providing proof
that Doubt is a commodity no one can afford.
It is with that in mind that it falls to us and to You to write
Rapture Letters.
These important letters are almost like last wills and testament
except with the premise that instead of leaving a physical estate
to a loved one (for instance cash, property or debts), the Rapture
Letter instead contains the estate of God that is for a
limited time only available for those who are
willing to die for Jesus after he's teleported every
True Follower of His to His Rapture Ship. Which will then journey
across Time and Space to finally land in Heaven where Christendom
shall be resettled and his Chosen Ones shall live happily ever
after in Glory for a thousand years until Satan is re-released and
is paid by God to wreak havoc upon The Saints for a short while.
And then after he is captured again he shall be thrown in the Lake
of Fire and extinguished rather crispily.
Doesn't that sound dizzily wonderful?
And afterwards all the Saints shall live without fear of Satan ever
reappearing and shall know Peace for an eternity.
How magical that will be.
So with that in mind under the influence of God we have written a
sample Rapture Letter, primarily for those who do not have a
concept of the English Language, that will inspire you to write
your very own...... or at the very least inspire you to copy and
paste this example letter.
Dear _________
As you read this I am watching you from afar, from this ethereal
vantage point, this surreal and sunscape plain of existence called
Heaven. Yes, _________ it is true, I have been Raptured and I want
you to know I love you dearly but as you can see and as you have
always known - I love Jesus more.
I know that as a non believer you are doomed to go to Hades where
eternal torment, pain and agony is meted out to those who rebelled
against God and refused to convert to His One True Religion:
Christianity. And for that I am making a concerted effort to pity
those souls who shall suffer alongside Satan and his evil demon
hordes.
But my love there is still hope. Yes even now!
Because the whole world saw Jesus standing tall, who modelled
himself after the care free chuckling simpleton known as the
Friendly Green Giant who advertises sweetcorn and other consumer
products was the final signal that Jesus has Returned and would
take his own Chosen Elite with Him back to Heaven where everything
is Eden and where Original Sin and Thinking For Oneself is
unknown.
Jesus told us that The Tribulation is coming after The Rapture and
it is this Tribulation you must now face on your own. But in saying
that, God in his capricious mercy will give aid to you by lending
you his mantle of courage and tenacity thus guiding you to The
Ultimate Challenge of Self Sacrifice, otherwise known as Suicide
which is biblically the Only way to redeem your wayward
recalcitrant self as long as you do not commit the heinous crime of
wearing the Mark Of The Beast.
Because it is The Mark Of The Beast that will damn you for
eternity.
But do not worry as long as you have faith and do not succumb to
this impending evil then all will be well.
I urge you now to repent and read The Bible and thus in turn sell
your soul to Jesus, thereby freeing yourself of all worldly
obligation and to rise above the fetters of Fear and take The Final
Stand as you plant your feet firmly upon The Precipice. For it is
Now my love that you must jump and plummet to earth
and thus begin a new journey where you and I shall be reunited in
The After Life that is Heaven.
Of course, if you're reading this and already have signed your soul
to The Devil then this Letter is in vain and we shall meet once
again at Jugement Day where you will be thrown into the Abyss of
Eternal Torment and from the Sea of Tranquility that is Heaven I
will from time to time keep track of your eternal pain fated misery
as I watch you burn on my Heavenly Television Screen that is tuned
into Heavens: Hell Reality Show. But if its any consolation Dear
Heart at least both of us will know where each of us is in the
Hereafter.
Yours In Christ
___________
The True Saint Of Jesus.