God is just a phone call away By
Sister Bernice
God Phones
The power of prayer so popular but largely disappointing for those
who are poor in faith, is being marketed by Christian businessmen.
P.U.S.H (Pray Until Something Happens Inc) are redesigning
telephones and cell phones with a new state of the art operating
system that allows the godly user to dial up our Lord direct. This
is good news indeed for the poor in faith and also non believers.
These pretty little telephones and cell phones have a delightful
Jesus motif "I have not forsaken you." and are designed in the
shape of a cross with a figure of our Lord as the actual handset!
The buttons are coloured red, symbolic of our Lord's blood and the
handsets for the cell phones are wrapped in Jesus-esque
sandles.
Glory!
A must have for the truly discerning.
God Calling
Not being au fait with the occult mysticism of Science, this buxom
blonde reporter for Christendom has to rely on the jargon and
incomprehensible spiel from the makers who claim that not only does
God actually answer your telephone prayers but he refers you on to
His Administrative staff if you press #. So at long last you can
hear the voice of our terrible Lord. Or alternatively you may want
to press button 1 for billing and afterlife destination inquiries.
Or press button 2 for sins, forgiveness and repentance, or button 3
for any general inquiries and button 6 for atheists to hear how
Satan will welcome you with open arms in Hell.
Praise!
God Guarantee Or Life Back
Callers will be asked only for their first and last names,
nicknames are not recognised by the Trinity. If the line is busy
then a pleasant and uplifting hymnal is played with a real live
angelic choral accompanied mostly with a full live orchestra. The
music played is surprisingly good and not some god awful tinny
classical music: it is in surround.
In fact our Lord hates Beethoven and anything shamelessly classical
so Sister Amelia and Jesus Ministries™ recommend you ditch all
classical CD's pronto or face the afterlife consequences when you
meet our maker.
Which I guarantee you will not be postponed, but only hurried:
regardless of the paper work.
Joy!