God's #1 Fashion Guru Reviving
biblical fashion
Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,
How often do we take God Almighty for
granted? Ask yourself how often you have petulantly demanded in
your selfish heart that He answer your prayers immediately without
a moment’s consideration on how your selfish demands are putting on
Him. Ask yourself how often do you pray for others or are your
prayers typical of the "Me! Me!" syndrome? Perhaps it's time to
deliberate and meditate on where you really stand in God's favour.
Being God's #1 and Blessed Messenger In Christ I found myself
asking the Inner Me the very same questions I have put to you. So
instead of getting depressed and eating exotic and sumptuous
comfort foods (even though I am anorexic and bulimic). I decided to
literally prey upon these spiritually thought provoking
issues.
"And I
set my face unto the Lord God, to seek by prayer and supplications,
with fasting, and sackcloth, and ashes." Daniel
9:3
After hours of supplication and prayer
I received the long and overdue answer from God. Led by the Holy
Spirit I picked up my bible which opened conveniently in the book
of Daniel, chapter 9. While meditating on the scripture of Daniel,
God showed me that we, Dear Family in Christ, need to show Jehovah
our respect; for we are constantly forgetting that He Is Who He
Is.
"And I
prayed unto the Lord my God, and made my confession, and said, O
Lord,
the great and dreadful God, keeping the covenant and mercy
that love Him and to them that keep His commandments." Daniel
9:4
As Daniel so eloquently put it, Our God
is a Dreadful God and we need to remind ourselves of that poignant
fact. He isn't someone we should selfishly plague with frigid self
importance, trivia or frivolous hourly and daily prayer. For our
God is bigger and better than that and has better things to do with
His time. Like playfully causing disasters to remind us of His
sanctity, love and joy he has for us. To remind ourselves and God
that we really do care about Him and we're not just paying lip
service. He and I feel it's time to bring back into fashion one of
His all time favourites:
The donning of Sackcloth and
Ashes!
Praise!
By doing this you will find that God will once again grace you with
His Almighty Presence and fill you tip top, head to toe, with a
rippling, tingling, rapture and joy filled sensation of His favour.
In order to feel this, of course, you will need to cease your
pointless devotional prattling and start screaming for mercy when
God enters and bestows His love inside you.
Hallelujah!
Sister Amelia and Jesus Ministries™ with God's anointed approval
recommends real biblical apparel to wear or a facsimile of it. In
fact any old clothes, dirty and smelly as opposed to freshly
laundered will do. Failing that we suggest that you exchange your
best conservative dressage with a tramp or wino or even hobo. (Lest
we forget that to give up our worldly possessions is an important
criteria and part of the fine print in the job description and
specification of being Christ-like). Essential accessories include
worn sandals to the point of disrepair and ill repute. You will
also need soot from any burnt offering yourself or spouse has
happened to have cooked. Or if soot isn't available then I suggest
rolling joyfully like a pig in mud in anything, which closely
resembles dirt or soil.
Just get dirty for God!
The icing on the cake really is the hair!
God and I strongly urge you to go to town on this one. In fact it's
far more fun to do this with a friend or family member and just
have fun disassembling someone's coiffure for God. God only knows
the joy you will receive when you eagerly clutch someone's hair and
joyously pull out the roots for all you're worth. Why, I even
recommend shouting God's name out loud if you are a beneficiary of
the Sackcloth and Ashes™ treatment by a friend or a loved one in
Christ. Don't forget that the hellfire burning sensation you feel
in your scalp really means a lot to God and is the equivalent of
incense to Him.
As you know, plenty of biblical characters, young and old
thoroughly enjoyed pulling out locks and tufts of hair (see
Lamentations). So how could the Lord expect anything less of us in
return in these modern End Days?
Praise!
Finally God and I recommend public places where you can really get
to show off how much God means to you. The sounds of lament and
pain (if you're doing this right) should not only startle the
general public but will enhance media hype and publicity for God
and His Family in Christ. This in turn will revive an antiquated
tradition in these sinful and trying mid tribulation times.
All Glory and Honour and Praise to He
who Was and Who is!
Yours Lovingly in Christ
Sister Amelia
(God's Compassionate Fashion Guru)