And Mary
said my soul doth magnify the Lord,
and my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour.
For he hath regarded the low estate of his handmaiden:
for, behold, from henceforth all generations shall call me
blessed.
For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his
name.
And his mercy is on them that fear him from generation to
generation.
He hath shewed strength with his arm; he hath scattered the proud
in the imagination of their hearts. Luke 1:46-52
Exclusive Interview! Gushing Bride Of Jehovah: By Sister
Mary-Jordan
Sitting opposite me and looking exceedingly radiant is Sister
Bernice, the gushing bride to be of our Lord Jehovah who is
literally the world’s heavenly Father in Law. The whole Christian
Community is globally buzzing with the news that our dearest Father
in heaven has chosen a demure, humble, sensitive and nondescript
servant such as Sister Bernice. She doesn’t look nervous at all, in
fact she is the image of the proverbial gushing bride to be. I
asked her how she feels about the whole affair.
"As you can imagine I am still totally in shock about the whole
thing," she laughs "My head is in an awfully giddy whirl and I’m
just absolutely delighted, just like a teenager who is experiencing
their first love."
So far details of how our Lord chose His bride to be has been kept
under wraps but Sister Bernice assures me that she has "God’s go
ahead" to reveal what has to be the most talked about news of all
time, surpassing that of Mary, child mother of Jesus.
"It all happened a month ago," Sister Bernice says eagerly. "I was
just getting ready for bed when all of a sudden my cell was flooded
with a dazzlingly bright light and a chorus of happy go lucky
angelic voices singing loudly but chirpily, accompanied by a
background orchestra. I was shocked, mortified, scared, just
totally freaked out by our Lord’s, I mean my soon to be husband’s
grande entrance. And a little voice said inside me ‘this is it, and
I’m not prepared!’"
Sister Bernice pauses a moment as she reflects back to that
momentous occasion. She coughs and continues. "The light suddenly
dimmed and I saw this figure, a figure of a man, standing there in
my room less than a foot away from me. His head and His hair were
white like wool, as white as snow; and His eyes were as a flame of
fire; and His feet were like fine brass, as if they burned in a
furnace; and His voice as the sound of many trumpets. I had to ask
Him to lower his voice or He’ll wake the whole convent!" She
laughs.
I took the opportunity to ask my dear Sister in Christ if her
experience just seemed awesome with an element of eerieness. Was
she scared at all and were her bowels in a state of
emergency?
"Why yes I did feel as if I needed the Ladies Room quite badly, but
you know what Sister Mary, I was suddenly put at ease. I think it
was Him you know, psychically calming me. Just like a reassuring
touch or pat on the head like you would a dog…. "
I asked her for more details on our blessed Lord’s bizarre but
intriguing outfit.
"Well Jehovah, just seemed to be wearing some sort of illuminous
and voluminous stage costume, I was quite envious, it seems some
men can carry it off wearing women’s clothes better than women! But
I didn’t feel envious one bit. The boots I noticed were just
pristine, (I love gold), he’s even promised me a pair of my own!"
she gushes with pride and I sense a little arrogance. I was curious
to what our Lord had to say to her.
"Jehovah, told me straight. He didn’t amble about the bush. He said
(and I quote) "Hail, Bernice Summerfield, thou that art highly
favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among all women.
Fear not, Bernice: for thou hast found favour with me (Jehovah).
Behold, I have conceived a plan and that thou shalt be my
wife..sometime soon" I was so taken aback I didn’t know what to say
but I found myself speaking olde world english in reply."
I asked our blessed Saint in Christ what her response was.
"You know I remember vividly what I said. It was this:’ Behold, I
the handmaid of the Lord should be so blessed and honoured. Be it
unto me according to thy word Oh Lord.’ I felt as if I were
speaking something from Shakespeare even though what I uttered was
no doubt uncannily biblical. Do you think it was possession?" She
asks as an aside. I shrug my shoulders and reply that no doubt it
was inspired words uttered from her lips to gloryfy God etc.
At this point Sister Bernice sips her Chardonnay and resumes.
"Jehovah then proceeded to tell me about the wedding plan. It will
take place on Earth, the venue will be held at St Winifred Convent
in England and He has specifically requested that Mother Superior
Chlymenaestra, Sister Amelia and her entourage (Administration) are
to be my Ladies in Waiting. In fact he wants His bridesmaids to be
dressed in white.
He has something special in mind for me to wear. I think it’s going
to be something similar to Princess Diana’s fantastic wedding
dress, but obviously more expensive and over the top. I have no
idea what Jehovah will wear but I guess it will be something either
effeminate like He usually wears or it will be, just another
fantastic garment. Oh!" she adds, "Before I forget, the wedding
ceremony will be a combination of a wedding and a coronation. We’ll
be basing the ceremony on the one used by the Queeny (God and I
call Queen Elizabeth by her sobriquet Queeny, we're that close to
her you see). And to add authenticity, Jehovah will revive the same
Arch Bishop who presided over Queeny's wedding and
coronation."
I asked Sister Bernice if she had any idea what her surname will be
and whether they plan on having children.
"We haven’t discussed having a family- I expect we will do so when
we’re residing in heaven after the honeymoon. But as to the surname
I will be officially known as Mrs Bernice Summerfield Yahweh
Jehovah The Great I am Co Ruler Of The Universe And Of Heaven, Hell
and Space And Time. But unofficially I shall be called Mrs Jehovah
or Queen of Heaven. I hear that Jesus and the angels are already
calling me Jehovah’s Little Woman. I find that so endearing of
them." She titters annoyingly.
I asked Sister Bernice why the wedding invitation and banns mention
Lucifer as being the best man, arch enemy of God and Heaven’s
notoriously most wanted demonic angel…
"It’s quite simple. For millennia my dear husband to be and His
arch enemy have been estranged. Originally they were lovers, you
know, and very, very close - obviously. After their falling out it
seemed that nothing could reconcile them. But I intervened and
timidly insisted that it would be really nice if for once the
Universe could have real harmony even if it were just for a day.
And of course the only way to do that would be for Jehovah and
Lucifer to compromise. To put aside their differences and to show
the multi-universes that God and Satan can let bygones be bygones.
You see," she says slowly and deliberately, "That Lucifer is in
actuality my father."
Stunned.
Incomprehension.
Composure.
I asked wearily and weakly, after popping a valium, that surely she
jests and how on earth did all this happen and that surely marrying
her is compromising God? There must be some sort of conflict of
interest for Jehovah?
"Well firstly Sister Mary, stop calling God and I, Shirley. And
secondly no it doesn’t compromise my husband to be in anyway
whatsoever." She says petulantly. "After all God is God and who are
we to question Him? But my dear Sister in Christ," She says quite
patronisingly. "I understand your concerns. But you need not worry.
God explained it all to me. He knows my heart and soul is pure and
in fact He contrived the begetting of me. So in a sense it’s all
good! Even though I am Lucifer’s illegitimate daughter, God still
loves everything about me. He chose my mother (Lilith) as an escort
for Satan and somehow managed to contrive their meeting. Thus, I
was born and the rest is history." She smiles sweetly. "More
wine?"
I wondered whether Sister Bernice has been widely accepted in the
Christian Community since she has divulged the good news.
"To be honest with you Sister Mary, I have had mixed reactions.
I’ve had letters and emails denouncing me as a heretic and
abomination to God. Even some non- Christians do not believe me.
But, I have replied with love, grace, compassion and finite
patience to every single negative response. And point out to all
and sundry that, the bible clearly states the bride of Christ will
be marrying Jesus and I remind them that the Trinity are three
separate beings but still one. So this cannot be blasphemous or
heresy."
"If God, the father, lover, husband wishes to have His own separate
wife, who is to question that? Besides we all know that one by one
Christians throughout Christendom have been receiving visions and
visitations from angels and sometimes even visitations from my
hubby to be in person. God only knows He’s getting a little fed up
with the doubting Thomases in this world. I think He’s quite
disappointed of the mixed reactions but he doesn’t like to admit
it."
Finally to conclude the interview, I ask Sister Bernice, Jehovah’s
wife to be, once the wedding ceremony is over, what then?
"We’ll be honeymooning in heaven - in the original Garden of Eden.
You see, God smartly transported Eden to Heaven after Adam and Eve
left so we’ll be staying there. But the wedding entourage and
guests will meet us there once Jesus has come back to whisk His
Bride(s) away, and then there will be an amazing party which will
last a thousand years. But rest assured to all those that may be
worried, God and I will make stately visits to Earth from time to
time, once Jesus has returned the Mothership to us." She adds much
too dreamily that "As soon as God and I are married, I just know
we’ll all live happily ever after."
I smile indulgently and finish my wine. I thank Sister Bernice for
her time and exit.